


The Garreg Mach Microwave Heist

by latias_likes_pizza



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Gen, Heist, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format, inspired by a series of rooster teeth videos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-19 15:00:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20329768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/latias_likes_pizza/pseuds/latias_likes_pizza
Summary: Dimitri: So after months of waiting and apparently zero staff intervention, we are now resorting to less than savoury methods to get it back. Which is why I was advised to approach the Golden Deer for help.Six months after loaning their microwave to the Black Eagles, the Blue Lions now have to resort to desperate measures to get it back. Desperate measures means calling in the Golden Deer and pulling off a heist.





	1. Blue Lions: Team Heist

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily <strike>ripped off from</strike> inspired by Rooster Teeth's Microwave Heist video and the accompanying Achievement Hunter videos.
> 
> This is a modern with magic au where the houses have their own common rooms as well as classrooms and bc i'd like to assume the Academy part of Garreg Mach is maybe a little bigger than what we got to see, the common rooms are in separate parts of the building. And Mercedes and Annette have been running a Blue Lions vlog.
> 
> Also I tried to write this as prose but that was kicking my ass and this worked better somehow. pls forgive me
> 
> Enjoy!

_Video opens to Mercedes and Annette smiling at the camera._

Both: Welcome to _Lions Life_!

Annette: So today we are doing something that we have never done before.

Mercedes: It’s probably best if we let Dimitri tell you all about it.

_Camera turns to Dimitri standing in the middle of the Blue Lions common room, surrounded by the rest of his classmates_.

Dimitri: So about six months ago the Black Eagles’ microwave broke down and we leant them ours while they waited for it to get fixed. We assumed that this would only take a couple of days at most and we could hop between them and the Golden Deer if we needed to microwave ourselves.

Dedue: As Dimitri said, it’s now been six months.

Dimitri: Yes. And when going into the Black Eagles common room yesterday, Ashe noticed that tucked away in the corner was their original microwave, seemingly functional. Upon questioning this he was ushered out of the common room.

Ingrid: We want our microwave back. I’m sick of going into the Black Eagles only to see that the main microwave is stuck defrosting something. This is why they’re keeping both. They keep using one to defrost things while using the other to heat normal things up. It’s terrible. I want our microwave back.

Dimitri: So after months of waiting and apparently zero staff intervention, we are now resorting to less than savoury methods to get it back. Which is why I was advised to approach the Golden Deer for help.

_Video cuts to a sepia-filtered shot of Claude stood in the academy courtyard. Annette and Dimitri are standing next to him._

Annette: You know how we loaned our microwave to the Eagles?

Claude: Yeah. That was a terrible decision. We’re getting sick of you guys coming in and begging to use ours.

Dimitri: Honestly we’re getting tired of going in and asking. Which is why we want your help.

Annette: Will you help us pull off a heist and steal our microwave back?

Dimitri: We just need you and the Deer to provide us with a distraction.

_Claude pauses a second before grinning_.

Claude: Okay. Sure.

_Video cuts to Claude standing outside the Blue Lions common room. The filter is gone_.

Claude: The Golden Deer doesn’t have as much of a personal stake in this but honestly, why not get involved? It was getting boring around here anyway.

_Video cuts to inside the Blue Lions common room. Sylvain and Dimitri are stood by a whiteboard. The rest of their class is present, along with Claude, Hilda, Ignatz, Marianne, and Flayn from the Golden Deer class._

Sylvain: Okay, thank you all for coming-

Felix (rolling his eyes): Like we had any choice.

Sylvain: Shut up. Anyway. The plan is as follows. The Golden Deer will enact phase one, the distraction phase. (_He begins writing on the whiteboard)_ We need to get the Eagles out of the common room. Linhardt is pretty much a non-issue but to be safe, Lysithea has already been dispatched to the library to distract him with some magical research discussion. On our signal, Flayn and Ignatz will lure Edelgard and Hubert out of the common room and keep them away. Meanwhile Hilda and Marianne will be distracting Bernadetta and Dorothea and Claude will be keeping Manuela away by- what are you guys actually going to be doing anyway?

Claude: Don’t worry about it.

Dedue: But-

Claude: Hey, if it goes wrong, at least this way you guys have plausible deniability. Just let us do what we do.

Sylvain: That kinda makes sense. Anyway, Mercedes and Annette will go in and lure Ferdinand to a supply closet and lock him in there, since that’s the easiest way to deal with him. And I think that covers everyone.

Ashe: What about Caspar and Petra?

_Silence_.

Sylvain: DAMMIT!

_Video cuts to a Spongebob ‘five minutes later’ screen with Mercedes’s terrible narrator impression. Video then cuts back to the Blue Lions common room._

Dimitri: We’ve now revised part of the plan and Caspar is going in the closet with Ferdinand. Apparently. I’m not sure exactly how ethical this all is.

Felix: Do you want our microwave back or not, idiot?

Dimitri: I’m just saying I-

Felix: Shut up Dimitri.

Hilda: As for Petra, don’t worry about her. Marianne and I will deal with her alongside Bernadetta and Dorothea.

Dimitri: Define ‘deal with’ for me, please, because I’m not sure I like the phrasing there.

Hilda and Claude: _Plausible deniability_.

Dimitri: I-

Claude. Trust us. This is a scheme. This is what I do best. Just trust us.

Dedue: You’re all being too vague about what it is you’re doing.

Claude: You came to us, remember?

Sylvain: Look, let’s just let the Deer do whatever it is they do, okay?

_Felix can be seen in the background glaring at Claude and the Deer. Video cuts to him alone outside of the Lions common room._

Felix: I don’t like or trust the Deer. They’re hiding something.

Annette (behind the camera): But you’re still gonna help with the heist?

Felix: Of course I fucking am.

_Video cuts back to the Blue Lions common room_.

Sylvain: Okay, phase two of the plan. The infiltration. (_He begins writing this phase of the plan on the whiteboard_). Our lookouts will be Dedue and Ingrid. They will be hidden in two different places outside the Eagles common room and will be watching for when the Eagles leave and letting us all know. Once Mercedes and Annette get the text, they will go in and finish off phase one. They will then alert everyone else when the last two Eagles are dealt with and phase two will begin.

Ingrid: What happens if we see somebody approach who isn’t an Eagle? What if Seteth or Catherine wanders nearby?

Felix: You message everyone. We have a group chat for a reason.

Ingrid: And if one of the Eagles leaves from where they’re being distracted?

Claude: They won’t, but we’ll text you anyway.

Sylvain: Thank you. Now back to phase two. Ingrid. Dedue. Lookouts placed here and here (_He points to two spots on a site map_). Once we have the go ahead, Ashe will run ahead and make sure that all necessary doors are unlocked and will begin unplugging and readying the microwave. That brings us to myself, Felix, and Dimitri.

Dimitri: Felix and Sylvain will be wearing staff uniforms and will be pulling a covered cart along to the Eagles room. And I apparently will be in that cart. With a cardboard box.

Claude: We took a photo of our microwave and stuck it on a cardboard box and painted the rest of the box black. It’s a decoy.

Dimitri: It’s not a very good decoy.

Claude: This one’s on you guys, this was a part of the plan that you suggested.

Sylvain: Phase three! The switch and the escape! We enter the common room, Dimitri gets out and we place the microwave in the cart. Ashe departs and heads to Ingrid. Dimitri gets back in the cart. We place the decoy and then we get the hell out of there. We circle around a little bit then we head back into our common room and complete the heist. Ferdinand and Caspar are freed, the distractions stop, and we celebrate the return of our microwave.

Dimitri: Any questions?

Claude: None here.

Dedue: No.

Ashe: How long do you think we’ll have once the distractions are in place?

Dimitri: About five minutes? We need to be as fast as we can, so that we can avoid anyone catching us.

Sylvain: Any more questions?

_A chorus of ‘no’._

Sylvain: Okay. Let Operation ‘Shit On the Bird’ begin!

Ingrid: Wait, _that’s_ what we’re calling this?

Dimitri: Goddess above, what are we doing?

_A succession of clips begin to play. First we see Dedue and Ingrid setting up at their lookout spots. We then see a clip of Dimitri climbing into the cart and holding the decoy. The conditions are cramped. We then see a clip of Ignatz approaching the Black Eagles common room. He enters. A minute later he exits, running, followed by a frustrated looking Edelgard and Hubert. A quick cut shows Hilda entering Black Eagles common room. Two minutes later we see Dorothea and Petra leave._

Mercedes (behind the camera): Okay. I think that’s our cue!

_The camera moves around, showing us that Mercedes is trying to conceal it in a pocket. We can just about see over the edge of the pocket as she and Annette walk towards the Black Eagles common room. They enter and we can see Ferdinand and Caspar sitting apart from each other at two different tables._

Ferdinand: Is something wrong?

Mercedes: We’ve been looking for spare training swords since Felix broke a lot of ours recently.

Annette: And we’re also out of gauntlets. And the Deer won’t let us take any of their spares.

Ferdinand: Well, I don’t think we have any. See, we like to use all the resources given to us here. I’m sorry girls.

Annette: Aww! Are you sure you can’t lend us some? Dimitri begged us to find some spares. It’s just for today, he’s trying to get us some more of our own. Just for one day.

Caspar: I know where the gauntlets are!

Ferdinand: We can’t lend them our stuff, especially if they’re breaking their own!

Mercedes: Oh please could you help us?

Caspar: Yeah, sure! Come on, Ferdinand. It’s just for one day!

Ferdinand: I-

Annette: Caspar you’re so helpful and noble and amazing! Thank you!

Ferdinand: Wait just a second. What if you break them?

Mercedes: Don’t worry, we promise not to let Felix overuse them.

Caspar: Good enough for me. Come on, they’re in the supply closet. The gauntlets at least.

_We can just about see him get up and head off towards the right. Annette follows after him. Ferdinand is still seated, his head in his hands._

Mercedes: Do you know where the swords are?

Ferdinand: I do, but… _fine_.

_He stands up and walks off in the same direction as Caspar. This time, Mercedes follows. We can see him put his phone down on a side table. They go off into a small side room full of various supplies with a separate closet for weapons. Caspar is already in there, pulling sets of training gauntlets off the shelves. Annette can be seen off to the side. Ferdinand steps into the closet and starts reaching up to the higher shelves._

Ferdinand: We can only loan a few out and we want them back the end of tomorrow.

Mercedes: That’s fine! Thank you so much!

Caspar: Hey Annette, how many gauntlets do you need?

Annette: Oh I don’t know, maybe about five sets?

_She goes to close the door. Before she can close it all the way, a foot suddenly stops it._

Ferdinand: What are you doing?

Annette: Oh! Um… Mercie, help!

_Mercedes goes to the door and helps Annette push at it_.

Ferdinand: Oh no you don’t! Caspar! Help!

_There’s a struggle for a minute or two and it looks like Ferdinand and Caspar are about to push open the door. Annette can be seen throwing her hands out in front of her and there’s a sudden glowing burst of wind, knocking the boys away from the door. Annette slams it shut and begins to pull a few crates in front of it. Mercedes pulls the camera out of her pocket._

Mercedes: Annie!

Annette: I panicked!

Ferdinand: I knew something was wrong! You’re in league with the Deer, aren’t you?! I, Ferdinand Von Aegir, will not stand for this!

Caspar: Yeah, what gives?!

Mercedes: You know a locking spell, right?

Annette: A basic one? I can try it.

_She waves her hands in front of the door and there’s a faint glow around the lock and a distinct ‘click’ sound._

Ferdinand: I’m calling for help. I- My phone! Dammit I left it in the main room! Caspar, call one of the others, quickly!

Annette: Uh-oh.

Caspar: I never have my phone on me!

Ferdinand: Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me.

_Annette can be seen visibly breathing a sigh of relief. She pulls out her own phone and begins texting the others. Video cuts to Ingrid and Ashe, stood at one of the lookout spots_.

Ingrid: They’re taking way too long. We don’t know how long the Deer can keep the rest of the Eagles distracted.

Ashe: You don’t think they’ve ran into any trouble, do you?

Ingrid: I hope not.

_A message tone can be heard_.

Ingrid: What is it?

Ashe: That’s them! They’ve gotten them into the closet.

Ingrid: Yes! Quickly Ashe! Get in there!

_The camera quickly moves as Ashe runs to the Black Eagles common room. He enters the room and makes his way to the small kitchenette area where the microwave is._

Annette (far off): We’re sorry we took so long!

Ashe: It’s fine!

_We can hear muffled thumping and yelling coming from behind Ashe. Part of the yelling sounds like Ferdinand. Ashe ignores this and sets the camera down. We watch as he shifts the microwave and begins following the cable. He pauses for a moment._

Ashe: Oh no.

_Video cuts to Dimitri inside the cart. He looks very frustrated._

Dimitri: Any word yet?

Felix: No! Now shut up!

_A buzzing sound is heard_.

Sylvain: Finally. Go, go, go!

_The cart begins to move. After a minute, there’s a sudden bump and it halts._

Sylvain (whispering): The back wheels are stuck!

Felix (whispering): Then lift them up!

_Another bump. Dimitri can be seen bumping his head on the top of the cart._

Dimitri: Careful!

Felix and Sylvain: _Shhhhh_!

_The cart begins to move again and continues on its journey before coming to a stop. The sheet is lifted up and Dimitri climbs out, holding the box. We can see Felix stood arguing with Ashe._

Felix: What the fuck Ashe?

Ashe: The extension cable’s between the cupboard and the fridge! It’s taking me longer to unplug it!

Dimitri: That’s fine, just get it done. And what is that thumping sound?

Annette (off camera): Guys? They might be trying to break the door down.

Sylvain: Okay, we need to hurry.

_After a minute or two, Ashe has finally unplugged the microwave. Dimitri takes it and sets it into the cart while Sylvain starts placing the ‘decoy’ on the counter where the microwave was._

Sylvain: Ashe, you and the girls run and wait by the training grounds.

Mercedes: But Ferdinand and Caspar!

Felix: The door will hold them for now, just start getting out of here!

Annette: Okay! Come on Mercie!

_We see Ashe grab his camera then run off. Dimitri climbs back into the cart, even more cramped up than before. Sylvain lowers the cover down again and the cart begins to move, slower this time. Dimitri sighs as it makes its way out of the Eagles common room._

Felix: Right so we circle around near our common room then we head in, letting the others know.

Sylvain: How the fuck weren’t we caught? We took way longer than we should have.

Felix: I hate to admit it, but we may have underestimated the Deer.

Sylvain: Yeah, no kidding.

_Another series of clips play of the Lions all slowly making their way back to their own common room. The montage stops as we watch footage from Mercedes’s camera as the cart arrives back in the common room. Dimitri climbs out and slowly pulls out the microwave. With Sylvain and Felix’s help, they hold it above their heads as everyone cheers. Mercedes sets her phone down on a table as the microwave is plugged in._

Mercedes: Congratulations everyone!

Dedue: It seems that we were successful. Nobody caught us or stopped us.

Sylvain: Hold on, we need to see if it works. There’s pizza in the fridge, somebody grab some.

_As Ashe plugs in the microwave, Ingrid brings a slice of pizza to it. They place it in the microwave and begin to set it up. A few seconds later and it can be heard springing to action._

Ingrid: It works! We did it!

Sylvain: Three cheers for the microwave!

_Cheers can be heard as the microwave finishes heating the pizza. The first slice is given to Ingrid, who devours it._

Annette: Uh? Guys?

Dimitri: What is it?

_The camera is left still as everyone shifts around. Soon, there is nobody in shot but a number of voices can be heard off camera._

Felix: I knew it! I knew they’d do this! Those fuckers!

Sylvain: This means war.

Dimitri: Okay, who’s idea was it to ask them for help?

Felix: You should never trust the Deer! They’re always up to something! I fucking knew they’d do this!

Ingrid: I can’t believe this!

_The screen slowly fades to black._


	2. Golden Deer: Team Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Claude: Six months ago, Edelgard came into our common room and asked if she could have our microwave for the day. I told her she couldn’t. This is a valuable object and there was no way that I was letting it leave this room even for a second. So she left and went to the Blue Lions instead. And like idiots, they agreed to her request. Ever since then, the Eagles have been hoarding two microwaves and the Lions have been going between us and them, begging to use ours since they no longer have their own._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So thank you to everyone who's read and enjoyed this weird little thing. Here's the second chapter!

_Video opens to a shot of the microwave in the Golden Deer common room_.

Claude: Six months ago, Edelgard came into our common room and asked if she could have our microwave for the day. I told her she couldn’t. This is a valuable object and there was no way that I was letting it leave this room even for a second. So she left and went to the Blue Lions instead. And like idiots, they agreed to her request. Ever since then, the Eagles have been hoarding two microwaves and the Lions have been going between us and them, begging to use ours since they no longer have our own.

_Camera turns around showing him and Hilda in the Golden Deer common room_.

Hilda: Apparently, this ends today.

Claude: Dimitri approached me, asking for our help in distracting the Eagles while they pull off a heist to get their microwave back.

Lorenz (off-camera): And you agreed to help, for some bizarre reason.

_Claude doesn’t say anything, only grins. Video cuts to the Blue Lions common room and we see the planning set up, only this time from a camera set up next to Hilda._

Sylvain: On our signal, Flayn and Ignatz will lure Edelgard and Hubert out of the common room and keep them away. Meanwhile Hilda and Marianne will be distracting Bernadetta and Dorothea and Claude will be keeping Manuela away by- what are you guys actually going to be doing anyway?

Claude: Don’t worry about it.

Dedue: But-

Claude: Hey, if it goes wrong, at least this way you guys have plausible deniability. Just let us do what we do.

_Video fast-forwards through what seems to be a considerable amount of talking._

Dimitri: Define ‘deal with’ for me, please, because I’m not sure I like the phrasing there.

Hilda and Claude: _Plausible deniability_.

Dimitri: I-

Claude. Trust us. This is a scheme. This is what I do best. Just trust us.

Dedue: You’re all being too vague about what it is you’re doing.

Claude: You came to us, remember?

Sylvain: Look, let’s just let the Deer do whatever it is they do, okay?

_Video fast-forwards again, this time with a fade to black. It suddenly cuts to the Deer common room again. Claude is leaning against a counter as he speaks._

Claude: So we all know what our parts of the plan are, we’re just waiting for the Lions to give us the signal to go. Flayn and Ignatz will be handling Edelgard and Hubert.

_Video cuts to Flayn and Ignatz standing outside the common room_.

Flayn: I’m very excited to be a part of these heist shenanigans! We’ve been assigned to distracting Edelgard and Hubert. Claude came up with a brilliant idea for us!

Ignatz: It involves paintballs. I was a little against it at first but-

Flayn: Edelgard blew up my house on the academy Minecraft server. She must suffer for her transgressions. Our distraction will not only be beneficial to the microwave heist but it will help me enact my revenge upon Edelgard.

Ignatz: Yeah. That.

_Video cuts to Claude again_.

Claude: Marianne and Hilda will handle the rest of the Eagle girls.

_Video cuts to Hilda outside the common room_.

Hilda: It’s the part with the least work involved. Bernadetta never leaves her room and I know a sure-fire way to get Dorothea and Petra there. Marianne’s already off to start readying Bernadetta.

_Video cuts back to Claude_.

Claude: Annette and Mercedes from the Lions will deal with Ferdinand and Caspar, Lysithea has been dispatched to distract Linhardt with research questions and it’s my job to deal with Manuela… which isn’t going to be hard at all since she had a bad date last night. I feel for her, I really do. Which is why I sent Lysithea along with chocolates already. She’ll stay in her room, eating them and day-drinking. She needs to get some help but at least today this is all working to our advantage. And I’ll just act as an extra lookout because there is no doubt in my mind that the Lions are gonna mess something up. Amateurs.

_Video cuts to Ignatz standing outside the Black Eagles common room, his camera mostly concealed in a pocket. We can hear him knock on the door before entering._

Ignatz: Um, Edelgard?

Edelgard: Yes?

Ignatz: I’ve, um, been sent to warn you that there might be some… there might be some paint. On your window. Maybe. Not sure yet.

Edelgard: _What_?

Ignatz: Flayn is testing out something and there’s paint involved and the only place she could do it was that patch of grass behind your door room. And she says it _shouldn’t_ be a problem, only that it might be, and-

Edelgard (stands up): Lead me to her. _Now_. Hubert, you come with us.

Hubert (also stands): Of course.

_Video cuts to Hilda, not concealing her camera. She walks into the common room._

Hilda: Dorothea! Petra! Just who I was hoping to see!

Dorothea: Need something?

Hilda: Marianne and I are doing a video about accessory making for the Golden Deer vlog and we’ve already somehow roped Bernie into helping us out with her amazing handicraft skills and we just need your fashion sense, Dorothea, and we were thinking about doing some Brigid inspired stuff as well, which is why we need you, Petra.

Dorothea: We-

Hilda: Only need about ten minutes of footage!

Petra: It does sound like there is much fun to be had.

Dorothea: Can’t argue with that. Sure! We’d love to help!

Hilda: Fantastic!

_Video cuts to Ignatz running with Edelgard and Hubert. They go behind the dormitories, to a patch of grass near Edelgard’s room. Purple paint is splattered across the wall. Flayn is stood next to a bucket and an open spell book_.

Ignatz: Flayn! You were supposed to wait for me to get back!

Edelgard: _What_ do you think you’re doing?!

Flayn: Oh! Hello! I found this wonderful spell in an old book that makes small explosions and I thought that it could be useful for fishing, since you could explode the water and get fish to fly out. But I needed to test the power first so Ignatz loaned me some paint and Seteth _did_ give me permission to carry out my tests in an area that was apart from the main monastery and academy and this seemed like the best place to do so! I hope Ignatz warned you about it all!

_She crouched down to the spell book and mutters something. There’s a muffled explosion and a burst of blue paint erupts from a paintball on the ground. It splatters the wall and some of it lands on Edelgard’s window._

Edelgard: No!

Hubert: I’ll go fetch a professor.

Flayn: No! Wait! Please! I promise to you that I’ll wash it off before the end of the day! It’s only temporary and Seteth truly did grant me permission. If you want, you could both watch to make sure nothing gets out of hand.

Ignatz: I mean, it doesn’t really seem like it’s worth bothering a professor over. But, uh, that’s just me.

_Edelgard stands still for a moment before throwing her hands into the air_.

Edelgard: _Fine_. But we _will_ supervise.

Flayn: Oh thank you!

_Video cuts to Hilda arriving at Bernadetta’s room with Dorothea and Petra. They enter. Marianne is sat on the bed next to Bernadetta, who is burying her face into a pillow._

Marianne: She agreed to help but…

Bernadetta: No showing my face on film!

Hilda: That’s fine! Now, let’s begin.

_The video spends the next couple of minutes jumping between short clips of the girls making accessories and Flayn exploding paint outside Edelgard’s window. Every time paint lands on the window, Edelgard winces. Despair is growing. Eventually the video cuts to a shot of the courtyard outside the Black Eagles common room, filmed from a nearby window._

Claude (off-camera): The distractions are all happening and I’m just waiting to hear if the Blue Lions have pulled off the main heist without a hitch. Knowing what their plan is and going off the messages in the heist chat, they’re running behind. If it was the Golden Deer doing this part, we wouldn’t be running behind, we’d be ahead of schedule. But I guess we’re on distraction duty because the Lions know they wouldn’t be able to pull that off successfully either.

_He’s quiet for a moment before something buzzes_.

Claude: Oh, okay, they actually did it. Huh. Who knew they had it in them?

_Video cuts to grayscale footage taken from the Lions Life vlog of Dimitri, Sylvain, and Felix holding the microwave as everyone else cheers. It then cuts back to the Golden Deer common room where everyone is just chilling. Claude stands up and begins to address the room_.

Claude: So, the Lions managed to pull it off and I think we can all agree that they wouldn’t have done it without our help.

Hilda: Definitely.

Claude: And this means that they won’t be begging to use our microwave again so we can say that this was a very successful day for us as well. So uh… anyone up for Mariokart or something?

_The door slams open and Dimitri storms in, flanked by Dedue and Felix_.

Claude: Oh hey! Congrats on-

Dimitri: Where did you hide it?

Claude: I don’t follow.

Felix: I knew we shouldn’t have trusted you.

Dimitri: Don’t play dumb, where did you hide it?

_Video freezes and a rewind effect takes place. It takes us back to the original shot of Claude and Hilda in the common room._

Claude: Dimitri approached me, asking for our help in distracting the Eagles while they pull off a heist to get their microwave back.

Lorenz (off-camera): And you agreed to help, for some bizarre reason.

_Claude grins and is quiet for a moment_.

Claude: I did. But there’s a reason for that. While we distract the Eagles, we’ll also be pulling off a heist of our own.

_Screen fades to black_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final part coming tomorrow!


	3. Golden Deer: Double-cross Heist!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Claude: We were always the mafia, get with it Leonie._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the final part is now upon us! This strange, weird, i-wrote-this-in-two-hours-bc-nobody-stopped-me fic is at its end!

_Video opens to the shot of Claude and Hilda from the last video_.

Claude: Dimitri approached me, asking for our help in distracting the Eagles while they pull off a heist to get their microwave back.

Lorenz (off-camera): And you agreed to help, for some bizarre reason.

_Claude grins and is quiet for a moment_.

Claude: I did. But there’s a reason for that. While we distract the Eagles, we’ll also be pulling off a heist of our own. So. Hilda. Wanna tell them why?

_The camera moves so that the entire common room is on display. Claude and Hilda are surrounded by their classmates._

Hilda: Lorenz invited Dimitri and Dedue over for tea and they refused because they had 'training plans'. And even though it was Lorenz, sure, a refusal is an insult and an insult to one of us is an insult to all of us.

Lorenz: What do you mean ‘even though it was Lorenz’?

Leonie: Today on the Golden Deer become the mafia.

Claude: We were always the mafia, get with it Leonie.

Lorenz: Regardless of whether or not we are the mafia, they insulted us and must be punished.

Leonie: So while some of us help distract the Eagles, the rest are going to sneak into their common room and steal their stuff.

Claude: Don’t worry. We’ll give it back. They just need to be taught a lesson. (_doing a mediocre Godfather impression_) ‘How dare they disrespect us.’

_Silence for a few moments_.

Hilda: Don’t… don’t do that.

Claude: That’s fair.

_Video cuts to everyone not involved with distraction, plus Claude, gathered together in the Golden Deer common room_.

Claude: So once the Blue Lions let us know that they’re in position and we need to start distracting people, Leonie’s going to go ahead and make sure their common room is clear. Then the rest of us are going to sneak in and steal a number of things. I know for a fact that Dimitri stores his personal lances there instead of his room. We’re also going to take whatever else we can fit into the bags.

Raphael: And the table, don’t forget the table.

Claude: Right. We’re also going to try and steal one of their tables. Raphael’s going to carry that out.

Leonie: And we have Lorenz on look out nearby and Lysithea’s going to keep an eye out from the library while distracting Linhardt.

Lorenz: Normally I wouldn’t get involved in such things… but they insulted me. Us. So revenge shall be had.

_A buzzing noise can be heard_.

Hilda (off-camera): The Lions have given the signal!

Claude: Okay, everybody get going!

_The video shows two small clips of Ignatz retrieving Edelgard and Hubert from the Black Eagles common room and Hilda retrieving Dorothea and Petra. It then cuts to Claude, Leonie, Lorenz, and Rafael quickly running through a corridor towards the Blue Lions common room. Leonie pulls ahead and the video cuts to a camera on her person as she enters the common room._

Leonie (whispering): Okay. It’s empty in here. Door’s unlocked as well… and so is the supply room door. That’s good, no need to pick it.

_Video cuts back to the others._

Claude: Leonie’s given us the all clear. Masks on.

_They all put white masks on over their faces_.

Lorenz: This part, the masks. This is juvenile.

Claude: Lorenz this is a heist. Take it seriously. They make us harder to recognise. (_Under his breath_) Though with your haircut you’re recognisable anyway.

Lorenz: What?

Claude: What.

_Silence and they keep moving. Lorenz hangs back a little bit while Claude and Raphael keep going. They reach the common room. Leonie is inside, already placing things into a bag_.

Leonie: I’ve filled one with those small photos they have already. We can put the lances and training gear on top of the table and the small supplies in the other bags. And set up the camera.

Claude: Got it. Raphael, get the table.

_Leonie’s camera shows her and Claude place the training weapons on top of Raphael’s table while placing various bits of string, tape, stationery, textbooks, and other items into a pair of large back packs. The supply room is almost entirely cleaned out. Claude then goes to set up a camera in the corner of the supply room. As Raphael adjusts his grip on the table, we also see Claude run to the fridge and grab a single slice of pizza, eating it quickly._

Leonie: Did you have to do that?

Claude: Yes.

Leonie: Okay then. Hey Raphael, remember what Shamir taught you. Slow breaths. Mask your presence. We still have to sneak back.

Raphael: I’ll try, but it’s not what I’m good at.

Claude: You’re our muscle. Every heist needs muscle.

_They make their way back into the corridor and meet up with Lorenz, handing him a bag as they make their way back._

Lorenz: Any trouble on your end?

Leonie: None at all. They forgot to lock everything, making our lives so much easier.

Claude: You know, I haven’t got any texts from them yet about anything. We’ve done all this in three minutes and it’s taking them forever to steal a single microwave.

Lorenz: Amateurs. Did you set up the live feed on the camera?

Claude: Of course I did.

_Video cuts back to the hidden camera in the Blue Lions supply room. There’s a few moments of silence before a huge cheer. We hear the Lions congratulating themselves as they set up the microwave. After a minute, Annette walks into the supply room. She stops for a moment and looks around before turning her head towards the main room._

Annette: Uh? Guys?

Dimitri (off-camera): What is it?

_The Blue Lions can be seen walking into their supply room, all of them taking in the lack of supplies_.

Felix: I knew it! I knew they’d do this! Those fuckers!

Sylvain: This means war.

Dimitri: Okay, who’s idea was it to ask them for help?

Felix: You should never trust the Deer! They’re always up to something! I fucking knew they’d do this.

Ingrid: I can’t believe this!

Sylvain: Holy shit they heisted us. While we heisted the Eagles, they heisted us. Holy shit.

Dedue: It seems they’ve taken the weapons as well.

Annette: Wait did they do this in under ten minutes? How?! How did they do this?!

Felix: I told you, Annette. I didn’t trust them! And look what they’ve done! They’re probably laughing at us right now!

_Video cuts to the Golden Deer common room, where the entire class is gathered around a laptop and is laughing at the live feed of the Lions._

Hilda: Have they noticed the table yet?

Lysithea: They haven’t!

Lorenz: Like I said, amateurs!

Claude: Congratulations guys, we heisted them!

_The laptop is closed down and the Deer disperse throughout the common room. Claude eventually stands up and the ending of the last video begins to play._

Claude: So, the Lions managed to pull it off and I think we can all agree that they wouldn’t have done it without our help.

Hilda: Definitely.

Claude: And this means that they won’t be begging to use our microwave again so we can say that this was a very successful day for us as well. So uh… anyone up for Mariokart or something?

_The door slams open and Dimitri storms in, flanked by Dedue and Felix_.

Claude: Oh hey! Congrats on-

Dimitri: Where did you hide it?

Claude: I don’t follow.

Felix: I knew we shouldn’t have trusted you.

Dimitri: Don’t play dumb, where did you hide it?

Dedue: Show us. Now.

Claude: Okay, take it easy. Before I show you anything, there’s a lesson to be learned here.

Dimitri: Claude, I swear-

Lorenz: Accept the gifts and invitations you have been offered. If you don’t, it will be seen as an insult against us. And for that we must punish you.

Dimitri: Accept the- this is about the tea?

Leonie: Disrespect one of us and you disrespect all of us. We’re kinda like the mafia.

_Somebody picks up the camera and focuses on the stunned looks on the faces of Dimitri, Dedue, and Felix_.

Claude: Have you learned your lesson?

Dimitri (sighing and shaking his head): Yes. If the Golden Deer offer you a gift or invitation of any kind, you accept it or you get stolen from. Can we have our stuff back now?

Hilda: Sure!

_The Lions are led into the Golden Deer supply room, where all their stolen belongings are_.

Felix: What the fuck, you took one of our tables?! Why didn’t we notice you’d taken a table?!

Claude: It’s all there guys, ready to go home.

Dimitri: Thank you, Claude. You do know this means war, right?

Claude: It took you way too long to steal a single microwave _and_ you left your doors unlocked. I think we’ll take our chances.

Dimitri: Shit.

Claude: Amateurs.

_Screen fades to black._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it. Accept gifts. And tea. Or get stolen from.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who read this and enjoyed it, special thanks to my friend Tea for enabling me, and also my friend Jose for also enabling me but for also posting her crazy Drakengard fic and showing me I had no reason to keep this off Hugo-award winning ao3.
> 
> And if you haven't checked out Rooster Teeth and Achievement Hunter's original microwave heist videos, go and do so, they're hilarious!
> 
> That all said, have a lovely day/night/void-time!

**Author's Note:**

> Golden Deer perspective has been written, will post tomorrow!
> 
> Have a lovely day/night/indescribable moment in the void!


End file.
